Angry, Sad, Discouraged

I once made the comment that it's hard to express what I'm really feeling sometimes, because I want to shield my friends and family from my "reality."  Today is one of those days.  I went to work today like any other day, not knowing that my dear friend Stephanie Carson had passed away the night before.  I found out at lunchtime when one of our mutual friends called me after realizing I didn't know, so that I wouldn't find out on FaceBook like she had.  To say I'm sad is such an understatement.  Steph was such a dear, sweet, caring friend.  I would describe her as the "old lady of the boards"... she's had mets for 10 years (practically unheard of in our community).  She always ALWAYS responded to every post, uplifting those of us who were down, offering advice to those of us who needed it, cheering for us when we had good scans.  She was so sweet and caring, so peaceful, so giving.  She had just recently finished whole brain radiation successfully, and had a recent (very recent) scan that showed new progression in her liver.  She had a liver biopsy scheduled for yesterday, and that's the last we heard about it.  Such a major surprise, and all of us are reeling over this latest loss.

All this makes me wonder what the hell God is doing?  How does this help the world?  What is Your plan?  I feel like my heart is ripping out of my chest, where it had only recently been duct taped back in after Tobi's death.  Times like this have me questioning everything I believe... Why am I fighting so hard when the inevitable is bound to happen sooner rather than later.  Days like today make me feel like my time is so much closer.

When I mentioned Steph's death to a friend of mine, and how surprising this was, she said, "it can't be that much of a surprise, she had mets."  I know she meant nothing bad by this, but yes, it was a major blow to me and all who know Steph.  How can it not be?  And yet when I say that I feel like I'm running out of time, everyone says "you never know..."  But I DO know.  And it scares the hell out of me.

Tomorrow I will get up, get dressed, go to work, come home, make supper, and love on my family just as I do most days.  My internal grief will be stuffed down and I will move on until the next loss, when another piece of my heart will die with my friend.  I'll fight my fight, and live my life.  But today, I just want to grieve...