I once made the comment that it's hard to express what I'm really feeling sometimes, because I want to shield my friends and family from my "reality." Today is one of those days. I went to work today like any other day, not knowing that my dear friend Stephanie Carson had passed away the night before. I found out at lunchtime when one of our mutual friends called me after realizing I didn't know, so that I wouldn't find out on FaceBook like she had. To say I'm sad is such an understatement. Steph was such a dear, sweet, caring friend. I would describe her as the "old lady of the boards"... she's had mets for 10 years (practically unheard of in our community). She always ALWAYS responded to every post, uplifting those of us who were down, offering advice to those of us who needed it, cheering for us when we had good scans. She was so sweet and caring, so peaceful, so giving. She had just recently finished whole brain radiation successfully, and had a recent (very recent) scan that showed new progression in her liver. She had a liver biopsy scheduled for yesterday, and that's the last we heard about it. Such a major surprise, and all of us are reeling over this latest loss.
All this makes me wonder what the hell God is doing? How does this help the world? What is Your plan? I feel like my heart is ripping out of my chest, where it had only recently been duct taped back in after Tobi's death. Times like this have me questioning everything I believe... Why am I fighting so hard when the inevitable is bound to happen sooner rather than later. Days like today make me feel like my time is so much closer.
When I mentioned Steph's death to a friend of mine, and how surprising this was, she said, "it can't be that much of a surprise, she had mets." I know she meant nothing bad by this, but yes, it was a major blow to me and all who know Steph. How can it not be? And yet when I say that I feel like I'm running out of time, everyone says "you never know..." But I DO know. And it scares the hell out of me.
Tomorrow I will get up, get dressed, go to work, come home, make supper, and love on my family just as I do most days. My internal grief will be stuffed down and I will move on until the next loss, when another piece of my heart will die with my friend. I'll fight my fight, and live my life. But today, I just want to grieve...
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Well I suck at this obviously...
Really, like 2 YEARS since I've updated? Wow, I'm slacking... no seriously, that's terrible! So a lot has happened since my last post. Finished chemo, double mastectomy, reconstruction first with expanders then with implants, oopherectomy, brain surgery, radiation and cyberknife... wait, what? Rewind please? Brain surgery?
Yep, brain surgery. In December of 2012 I was having a lot of neck and shoulder pain, so they sent me for scans. PET scan showed no new lesions, and no new growth. Yay! However, my brain MRI showed a small spot on the right side of my cerebellum. Docs wanted to remove it to see what it was, so in January I had brain surgery. Crazy! It turns out that it is in fact mets from my breast cancer that found it's way into my brain. The following day they did a follow-up MRI where a second lesion was spotted on the LEFT side of my cerebellum. Seriously? WTH? So they decided that since they already have an idea of what it is they would just do cyberknife therapy on that side. Basically it's radiation that's focused on a single spot so they can rid my brain of the spot without surgery. They followed this up with rads to the right side (the hole now in my head) to ensure that all the cells there were gone. Phew.
At the end of March, a new MRI showed that while the spot on the left side grew, it did look like it was probably dying, but only time will tell.
I lost many good friends since my last post, too many to even begin to mention.
I'll try to keep up better from here on out, but let's face it, between chemo, surgery, and radiation, I'll probably forget tomorrow. Lol!
To anyone actually reading this, thanks so much for all y'all have done for me these last 2 years... it's been a wild ride, but I'm far from done!!
Yep, brain surgery. In December of 2012 I was having a lot of neck and shoulder pain, so they sent me for scans. PET scan showed no new lesions, and no new growth. Yay! However, my brain MRI showed a small spot on the right side of my cerebellum. Docs wanted to remove it to see what it was, so in January I had brain surgery. Crazy! It turns out that it is in fact mets from my breast cancer that found it's way into my brain. The following day they did a follow-up MRI where a second lesion was spotted on the LEFT side of my cerebellum. Seriously? WTH? So they decided that since they already have an idea of what it is they would just do cyberknife therapy on that side. Basically it's radiation that's focused on a single spot so they can rid my brain of the spot without surgery. They followed this up with rads to the right side (the hole now in my head) to ensure that all the cells there were gone. Phew.
At the end of March, a new MRI showed that while the spot on the left side grew, it did look like it was probably dying, but only time will tell.
I lost many good friends since my last post, too many to even begin to mention.
I'll try to keep up better from here on out, but let's face it, between chemo, surgery, and radiation, I'll probably forget tomorrow. Lol!
To anyone actually reading this, thanks so much for all y'all have done for me these last 2 years... it's been a wild ride, but I'm far from done!!
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