Angry, Sad, Discouraged

I once made the comment that it's hard to express what I'm really feeling sometimes, because I want to shield my friends and family from my "reality."  Today is one of those days.  I went to work today like any other day, not knowing that my dear friend Stephanie Carson had passed away the night before.  I found out at lunchtime when one of our mutual friends called me after realizing I didn't know, so that I wouldn't find out on FaceBook like she had.  To say I'm sad is such an understatement.  Steph was such a dear, sweet, caring friend.  I would describe her as the "old lady of the boards"... she's had mets for 10 years (practically unheard of in our community).  She always ALWAYS responded to every post, uplifting those of us who were down, offering advice to those of us who needed it, cheering for us when we had good scans.  She was so sweet and caring, so peaceful, so giving.  She had just recently finished whole brain radiation successfully, and had a recent (very recent) scan that showed new progression in her liver.  She had a liver biopsy scheduled for yesterday, and that's the last we heard about it.  Such a major surprise, and all of us are reeling over this latest loss.

All this makes me wonder what the hell God is doing?  How does this help the world?  What is Your plan?  I feel like my heart is ripping out of my chest, where it had only recently been duct taped back in after Tobi's death.  Times like this have me questioning everything I believe... Why am I fighting so hard when the inevitable is bound to happen sooner rather than later.  Days like today make me feel like my time is so much closer.

When I mentioned Steph's death to a friend of mine, and how surprising this was, she said, "it can't be that much of a surprise, she had mets."  I know she meant nothing bad by this, but yes, it was a major blow to me and all who know Steph.  How can it not be?  And yet when I say that I feel like I'm running out of time, everyone says "you never know..."  But I DO know.  And it scares the hell out of me.

Tomorrow I will get up, get dressed, go to work, come home, make supper, and love on my family just as I do most days.  My internal grief will be stuffed down and I will move on until the next loss, when another piece of my heart will die with my friend.  I'll fight my fight, and live my life.  But today, I just want to grieve...

Well I suck at this obviously...

Really, like 2 YEARS since I've updated? Wow, I'm slacking... no seriously, that's terrible!  So a lot has happened since my last post.  Finished chemo, double mastectomy, reconstruction first with expanders then with implants, oopherectomy, brain surgery, radiation and cyberknife... wait, what? Rewind please? Brain surgery?

Yep, brain surgery.  In December of 2012 I was having a lot of neck and shoulder pain, so they sent me for scans.  PET scan showed no new lesions, and no new growth. Yay! However, my brain MRI showed a small spot on the right side of my cerebellum.  Docs wanted to remove it to see what it was, so in January I had brain surgery.  Crazy!  It turns out that it is in fact mets from my breast cancer that found it's way into my brain.  The following day they did a follow-up MRI where a second lesion was spotted on the LEFT side of my cerebellum.  Seriously?  WTH?  So they decided that since they already have an idea of what it is they would just do cyberknife therapy on that side.  Basically it's radiation that's focused on a single spot so they can rid my brain of the spot without surgery.  They followed this up with rads to the right side (the hole now in my head) to ensure that all the cells there were gone.  Phew.

At the end of March, a new MRI showed that while the spot on the left side grew, it did look like it was probably dying, but only time will tell.

I lost many good friends since my last post, too many to even begin to mention.

I'll try to keep up better from here on out, but let's face it, between chemo, surgery, and radiation, I'll probably forget tomorrow. Lol!

To anyone actually reading this, thanks so much for all y'all have done for me these last 2 years... it's been a wild ride, but I'm far from done!!

Wow...

Has it really been months since that last post?  I've had 4 rounds of crap chemo (ie Epirubicin, Cytoxan, and 5-FU), and am now 1 round into my Taxol.  While I faired rather well with the first rounds, they weren't without their share of misery.  The constipation so bad I thought shit would come out my mouth, the nausea (thankfully mild), extreme fatigue, cysts and abscesses from my hair trying to grow back in the worst of places, the arm pain, bone pain, etc.  But now I'm on Taxol and so far so good.  I feel much better than I did after my rounds of crap chemo (though maybe cause it was only the first round).  Other than mild achiness, all seems ok.  Now let's not jinx it!

Had my first PET scan since diagnosis, and miraculously it appears that almost all my cancerous spots have disappeared!  I worry about getting too lax though... makes me a little nervous actually, like that was maybe too easy.  Like maybe there's another shoe that's gonna drop like a piano in those cartoons on my head.  Anyways... I try not to stress about those things.  But I do it SO well... :0)

First doctor visit

Well, today was my first doctor's visit since starting chemo.  It didn't go well...  My blood counts are so low I am now basically quarantined to my house, and shouldn't really even play with my kids.  I'm on a strong antibiotic, and the doctor basically told me that if I feel even a little off to call her because my counts are so low I could die in 6 hours if an infection takes hold.  Hmph.  Well I FEEL fine... So now I'm kinda paranoid, because how do I tell my kids that I can't hold them and give them kisses?!  And of course, this on the heels of the morning Eli wakes with a fever and Riley is croupy sounding.  Fuck.  To stay or to go, that is the new question.  Maybe I'll go live downstairs in the playroom or something...

To poo or not to poo...

Apparently the answer is not to poo.  I was so worried about nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea with this first dose of chemo, that I neglected diarrhea's angry cousin... Constipation.  I feel like I have shit up to my throat right now, and so far milk of magnesia, numerous enemas, and a healthy dose of Magnesium Citrate has done nothing to dislodge the ball of cement that has taken hold of my lower intestines.  I wanna puke just to get rid of something! Argh!

In other news, my mom and I went wig shopping today.  Wig shopping while you still have hair is a weird experience... you're trying to fit this hairpiece on a mop of hair that already exists.  Bulky? Yes.  Flattering? Not sure.  So I bought a wig named "Bailey"... who knew my wig would come already named?  Hope she isn't a bitch!  It's a nice color and length, and I think it looks ok, but until my hair actually falls out there's no way to know for sure.  So I have to trust that Bailey's got my back in this.  I also bought a couple of head coverings, just to have something to fall back on.  And of course all of Bailey's accessories (stand, special comb, special shampoo...).  $200 later, and I may be ready for the day that I wake up hairless.  Hope my kids don't freak out.  Hell, hope my DH doesn't...

In the beginning...

Wow... what a whirlwind this last month has been.  Let me start at the VERY beginning... when I was pregnant with my son Eli, I felt this lump in my breast.  I showed it to my OB/GYN right away, and she said that it just seemed like a blocked milk duct, nothing more.  Soooo, it lingered.  Fast forward to my yearly checkup 18 months later, the lump was still there.  I showed it to her again, and she sent me in for a mammogram and ultrasound.  That was February 11, 2011.
The mammo/ultrasound both came back consistent with malignancy.  I was then sent to a surgeon to get a biopsy.  Yep, it was cancer.  But low grade cells, which spread really slow... or so we thought.  He sent me for a PET scan just to be on the safe side... the scan came back showing cancerous spots on my pelvis, spine, chin... damn.  Mets.  So no surgery for me, straight to an oncologist to start treatment.
Oncologist sent me to get an MRI of my brain just in case, thankfully that at least was negative.  So on the 7th of March, when I should have been out at Mardi Gras celebrations, I had a port implanted and got my first chemo treatment.  So far it hasn't been too bad, just tired and feeling kinda weak, but prolly cause this is the most meds I've EVER taken by far!!

Oh and why the title "Fighting Molly" you might ask? Well my DH and I have decided that maybe this is our girl (we have 2 boys, 1 and 2 yrs old).  It's kind of a pain in the butt, changes with hormones (since ER/PR+), and doesn't do what you think it should.  Molly is what we would've named our kid if either boy woulda been a girl.  Lol.  Just a little humor in a non-funny situation.